bored. it seems i constantly need distractions. things to occupy my mind, people that i can daydream about, stories made up entirely in my mind. but what are these distractions distracting me from?  why is it that i have this desire to get away, to change my present circumstances, to imagine them better, different, more exciting. it’s not like i’m not happy. i’m content with the way things are right now. i’m on the brink of summer, about to journey off into the world beyond. i am happy. BUT somethings missing? or maybe it’s not that it’s missing, maybe it’s right in front of my face, but i just can’t see it. i’m blinded by something. but by what? what exactly is it that is hindering my sight. giving me these images, these daydreams, of things impossible. ridiculous things. things that deep down, i know i don’t really want or need. but for the moment i do want them. for the moment, as i sit in my bed listening to songs that are not lulling me to sleep, i want them to happen. i want to see ian this weekend. why? what would i say? would i give in to his charm? or would i tell him off. and why is it that i have so recently clung to this idea of brandon? because that’s really all it is. an idea. not a possibility. not an option. but a daydream, something unattainable, something that i know i don’t need. but i want it. i want a distraction. ha. as if i wasn’t distracted enough. my whole life is a distraction. i need other things, unimportant, silly, ridiculous things like new hats and strawberry cake in order for me to avoid and ignore the important things of life. like the fact that i will no longer be living in the house i have called home for the majority of my life. i will be living in a strange city with strange people, far away from all that is comfortable and familiar. and i’m not ready to face that reality. and so my mind clings to the first opportunity to ignore the reality and to create my own fantasy. a fantasy where we play tennis, fall in love, and have a summer of beautiful sunshine and glorious muscles. or you come back from oregon and we remember how honestly perfect we are together. UGH. WHY. i am such a walking contradiction. i am such a lie. such a hypocrite. i don’t need a man. pfft. i may not need one but sometimes i sure as hell want one. and by sometimes i mean the majority of the time. and by the majority of the time i mean pretty much all the time minus the few and short moments in which i recognize  how dumb and meaningless it all is. i just want someone by my side. someone to talk to on the phone at night. someone to take hikes with. someone who will take me to fields of flowers, someone who will appreciate me and love me even though i’m insane. someone who will distract me.